i’m not letting this blog fizzle out & die. i promise. i hold this journal very near & dear to my heart. i’m simply saving it for later years. when i feel the time is right to start this journey anew. i’m not quite sure when that will be. only for the time being, i am saying farewell to asparrogacy.

for those of you who are interested in continuing to follow my writings, my donor blog will be updated on a fairly regular basis from here on out. http://www.nikkisuzanna.wordpress.com



may 01.

it’s been nearly a week since i heard from my IM. my IM. i suppose i shouldn’t word it that way. no longer is she the intended mother of those four tiny frosties that did not make it. i’m not really sure what she is anymore. an acquaintance? though i hope for a lifelong friendship between us, i have an entire suitcase of emotions that i have yet to deal with. at some point, preferably in the near future, i will need to reach in, rifle through it & pull out one at a time to be worked on. the first being a mountain of guilt (for what, i do not know. . . .my body not cooperating with the ivf cycles?) & apologies that cannot ever make things better. i haven’t even sat & dealt with the negative. because when i sit in the uncomfortable sorrow. . . .let those feelings & thoughts seep in & my heart begin to feel heavy again, i push it all deep, deep down. smother it inside and tell myself that i deserve to feel happy for another day. and so it waits until another time. and that all makes me saddened in the deepest way imaginable. it is full of defeat and despair that i write today. three shots. three best attempts with OK odds. three failures. perhaps i am due to take this break.

april 29.

seriously? after a three-hour birthday party amongst family & friends, i finally crawled into bed late last night and the tears started streaming. hoodie. drawstring sweatpants. cramps. exhaustion. & tears. i wound up crying myself to sleep after watching the shadows from the blowing branches move across our bedroom blinds. feeling utterly defeated. as though i had wasted the last year of my life. i had worked incredibly hard in every aspect and here i lie, another year older, and have nothing to show for all of the work that was put in. i have made a strong decision to take a much-needed break. the summer & perhaps into the fall. spend some dire quality time with nick & the kids. quality time that was very much lacking throughout this entire process. take a couple of vacations. clear my head. regroup. work through all of my feelings. & come back in the fall|winter with more certainty as to which direction i would like to head in. just to put it all into perspective, after my egg donation cycle (which was taxing in & of itself) during the summer of 2012. . . . and our wedding & honeymoon following in the winter of 2012. . . .and a new job for nick and a large move for us in february of 2013. . . .i began this journey. over the past eight months, i have been medicated for a full three. that means. . . .fifty PIO injections, forty-six endometrin inserts, twenty-four estradiol tablet inserts, seventy-seven lupron injections, one hundred-fifty seven minivelle patches, four months of birth control pills, thirty-two medrol, twelve azithromycin, sixty-eight crinone inserts, and ninety-six baby aspirin tablets. i’m feeling worn down. in every single aspect. & this break will be highly appreciated.


for the love of pete.

i think that’s something people muster. for the love of pete.

could just one of these transfers take? just one. that’s all i want. my bum is sore. i’m tired. no, i’m exhausted. quite burnt out. & ready for positive news. my IM & i. . . .we have kiiiiiind of worked hard for this. very hard. & i feel that a positive beta on friday couldn’t hurt anybody’s ego. this has certainly been a humbling experience to say the least. thinking that the first try was sure to succeed. ignorance is bliss? i think that’s something else people sometimes muster. anyway, sitting & hoping for a number greater than 2.

the doozie.

that one was a real doozie. a bleeder. the last one of the cycle. . . .& perhaps. . . .forever. the third time i’ve experienced that bittersweet feeling as i injected my very last dose of leuprolide. only tonight the feeling was of more sadness than anything else. what if this is the last dose i take, not because a pregnancy occurs on sunday, but because it doesn’t occur & i find myself feeling done with this entire endeavor because my body just isn’t having it? hopefully that won’t be the case. i still have a very good feeling about this transfer. a different feeling from all the rest.

i’ll be wishing i was injecting lupron tomorrow, when PIO takes its place. that gigantic, obnoxious needle making its way into my (still, on both sides!) bruised bottom. i shan’t say bruised. tender. incredibly tender to the touch. now-a-days i can run up and down stairs without it throbbing, causing me to stop. i can move around quickly and sit comfortably and stretch without stinging. but if i push on those spots where i have done two rounds of PIO prior, it hurts. a constant reminder of the past six months.

steroid starts tomorrow. & vaginal gel (wahoo! my fav) twice per day. oh, and my antibiotic. 5 days. let the count down begin.

6 days.

11.4 mm lining — trilameter, quality measurement.

157 estradiol level, this can fluctuate depending on when i last put my patches on & it typically fluctuates in the blood stream anyway. as long as it’s above 100, the dip back down is all right & everything looks fabulous!

my appointment for tomorrow morning, 04.07, has been cancelled as i do not need to be monitored once more. everything is progressing beautifully & we are on schedule for transfer.

so as it is. . . .this is what my busy week looks like —

monday • paint suitcase. . . .to set it aside from the rest. take last lupron 5 unit dose.

tuesday • pack painted suitcase. begin PIO, medrol, azithromycin & crinone gel.

wednesday • monthly support group meeting. nick has so generously offered to take care of the rest — meeting at university schools for dristyn’s DC field trip (summer|2015). ballet.

thursday • acupuncture (third appt).

friday • massage.

saturday • fly. meet with a friend in the windy city. & at some point in the day. . . .receive a call from the fertility center regarding the time of arrival for sunday.

sunday • transfer. rest. sleep. send well wishes & positive vibes to the belly. . . .through moonstones & pineapple core & no bathing for days.

monitor no.3.

ahem. . . .we’ll wait for the official call on this number, though i am feeling optimistic.

i had my third monitoring check-up this morning. in three short days, my lining has almost doubled!! i had to do a double take at the monitor to make sure i was seeing correctly. the doctor who does my ultrasounds was quite surprised as well. the good sort of surprised!

11.4mm today! the minivelle patches are certainly doing their job! they like to see the lining at 13 for transfer and i still have ten days to go.

two acupuncture appointments and a massage next week, with acupuncture to follow upon return to colorado.

feeling hopeful.

monitor no.2.

everything looked great this morning.

estrogen | 468

uterine lining | 6.2 mm, trilaminar (triple pattern present)

because my lining is not closer to seven at this point in the cycle, i will have an extra monitoring appointment on april 03. and again be seen on april 07 before travels to chicago next saturday. everything is progressing well thus far. we will wait to make sure my lining is moving in the proper direction and thickening. if, come thursday, my lining has not thickened enough, i will begin taking additional estradiol via vaginal suppositories. this extra appointment gives enough room to make any adjustments and reassess next monday. if all goes well, lupron will stop on monday and PIO injections, medrol, azithromycin & crinone will all be starting next tuesday.

i feel like the weekend is right around the corner. i have acupuncture this saturday. we have to prep the house this weekend and make lovely accommodations for my mother, who will be spending april 11-15 here to child sit, dog sit & house sit. acupuncture again next week in the evening, massage next friday, packing, two monitoring appointments and so many more tasks and errands to fill the time. it’s nice to be busy. staying physically busy keeps my mind busy which in turn prevents me from thinking negative things & what ifs about this third cycle. but i’m feeling very tired.

i had a voicemail this afternoon. my IM had called. and in the message, she left me with something that made me feel overwhelmingly wonderful. she said it with such poise & tranquility. ‘i have a good feeling about this one.’ it made me feel as though the ‘good feeling’ that i too had was justified and i began to think that perhaps our positive energy harnessed together & channeled towards the transfer could bring along something great. someone great.